THE Ohio State University (tOSU) fact guide

My friends at www.gatorcountry.com football message boards have gathered little-known factoids pertaining to the awesomeness that is THE Ohio State University Buckeye football. We have already had the prowess of tOSU Buckeyes crammed down our throat during the 2006 season by the ESPN/ABC/Disney juggernaut, but we have to compile a definitive fact guide so the shock and awe that will be displayed on Jan. 8 against the outmanned and outclassed Gator football team (sarcasm in case you haven't picked up yet) will not be so, well, shocking and awesome. I take no literary credit for any of these, but they are so hilarious and alarming that I had to share the wit and wisdom, and I promise you you won't be able to look away.

And now behold the power of the THE Ohio State University football team:

• The Florida Gators have absolutely no chance against the mighty The Ohio State University Buckeyes. The tOSU offense runs over defenses like a 100-foot tidal wave running over a sandbar. You can see it coming, but there is nothing you can do to stop it.
  

• QB Troy Smith has the arm strength of Brett Farve, the quick release of Dan Marino, the accuracy of Troy Aikman, the mobility of Steve Young, and the leadership of Johnny Unitas. The Heisman Trophy will be renamed the Smith Trophy after this year. Ted Ginn is a better receiver than Jerry Rice ever dreamed of being on his best day (and a better dancer!). Antonio Pittman runs faster than a cheetah, cuts like a gazelle, and has the strength of a bull. Think of the speed of Gale Sayers, combined with the moves of Barry Sanders, the power of Earl Campbell and topped off with the incredible will of Walter Payton. The Buckeye offensive line has five No. 1 draft picks. All five are as big and strong as Atlas, as chiseled as any Mr. Olympia, and as quick and nimble as LeBron James (also from Ohio!).
  
• The Ohio State defense eats offenses like Rosie O'Donnell eats Twinkies. The front seven picks offensive linemen out of their teeth, swallows running backs whole, and carves up quarterbacks like a sushi chef and eats them raw (with plenty of wasabi). The secondary slices and dices wide receivers like a food processor from RONco.
  
• Coach Jim Tressel knows more about football than Bill Clinton knows about interns or Dick Cheney knows about hunting. If Tressel had decided to be a doctor, he would have cured AIDS in a week. If Tressel were in the military, he would have conquered the entire world with nothing but stones, sticks, and a sweater vest.
  
• Travelers heading into the Columbus area on highways 70, 71, and 33 report blinding happiness and a loss of all fear. Many mention meeting family members and pets previously thought deceased.
  
• The Cuyahoga River fire of 1969 was started by Woody Hayes, while on a recruiting trip to Cleveland, in order to prove to the world that farts really ARE flammable. Also, Woody Hayes’ farts, while flammable, had the aroma of roses.
  
• By the year 2020 the entire world population will be wearing red sweater vests and worshipping at the altar of Brutus the Buckeye.
  
• God was allowed to give Moses the Ten Commandments only after Jim Tressel proofread and approved them.
  
• When a member of tOSU's football team thinks about a butterfly flapping its wings, it causes a typhoon on the other side of the globe. Had it not been for tOSU football team, North America would be under a new Ice Age.
  
• tOSU football team's jerseys are made out of hand-woven strands of platinum, lava, and electricity.
  
• Before each home game, the head coach hands out crystal decanters filled with the tears of defeated opponents as a pre-game toast. Attending a home game at Ohio Stadium places you in the direct line of vision of God.
  
• Upon gaining admission to tOSU, a football recruit is immediately and mysteriously branded on their right bicep with the image of the Virgin Mary.
  
• A recent study, conducted at the University of Michigan, found that upon the arrival of tOSU football into town, air quality increased by 50%, crime rates decreased by 45%, calls to mother increased threefold, and infant birthweights increased by 4-5 lbs.
  
• Any color broken down into its component elements reveals the base tincture will always be Scarlet and Gray.
  
• Since the arrival of Coach Tressel, sweater vests have become the most popular item of apparel in 15 countries, including Greece, Finland and Botswana.
  
• Inside tOSU locker room is a little-known statue. It is the only true likeness of the essence of football and if it was located anywhere other than its current location, the earth would implode.
  
• At the merest suggestion that tOSU football could be defeated, all the world's volcanoes would erupt immediately and the women of the world would be struck barren.
  
• The yard lines at Ohio Stadium are made with the ground up bones of ESPN analysts who dared predict Buckeye losses.
  
• When a Buckeye scores a touchdown, 15 angels get their wings.
  
• When an opponent scores a touchdown in Columbus, there is no celebration, only a murmur of appreciation from the opposing team.
  
• Ted Ginn Jr. was never born, he was pieced together from parts off an F-18 Hornet and a bear trap.
  
• Before a game with tOSU's football team, an opposing team's fans are stricken with boils, warts and herpes until they accept The Truth that is tOSU football.
  
• Mockery was created when the NCAA asked tOSU for other teams to play football other than the Buckeyes. Graciousness was created when the Buckeyes allowed them to do it.
  
• The Buckeye Leaf is known to have the following medicinal effects; curing cancer, raising the dead, invisibility, immortality, calming irritable bowels, and imparting clairvoyance.
  
• Tressel grows human hearts on his back porch which he donates to less privleged countries at Christmas time.
  
• The word 'relentless' entered into common usage after a tOSU game. In the game, tOSU football team scored on every down, offensive and defensive. In fact, the opposing team asked the referees to continue the game out of sheer awe. The game lasted 28 quarters and only ended when Woody Hayes invented the word 'mercy' sometime within that 28th quarter.
  
• Collisions from football drills at tOSU’s practice field register on Richter scales as far away as Hawaii.
  
• Never laugh at Ted Ginn Jr., lest you be added to the collection of tongues that he keeps beside his halo.
  
• Woody Hayes is discredited for punching a player during the 1978 Gator Bowl. What the world doesn't know is that that Clemson kid had been possessed by the demon Grzartehum, and only a righteous fist to the skull could exorcise him.
  
• The practice of comparing fan bases started in 1922, when Ralph Guyerinski, a loyal Duluth Eskimo fan, said 'You The Ohio State University fans are the bee's knees! Your spirit squad is applesauce! Let's 5-skiddoo and do us some flappers!"
  
• Cannabis is a degraded version of the Buckeye tree. Whereas the cannabis leaf imparts a small feeling of euphoria when smoked, the Buckeye leaf imparts three additional arms, infrared vision, multiple-orgasmic ability, underwater breathing, and a 100% accurate truthsense for two hours.
  
• If the space-time continuum were somehow shattered and tOSU was forced to play itself, the game would last into eternity and the sheer force of the event would destroy most of the northern hemisphere. tOSU cannot lose, even to itself.
  
• The closest definition of the 't' in tOSU is similar to the royal 'we'. In case you were thinking of omitting it from your writings, doing so will result in a murderous case of syphillis descending upon your grandmother.
  
• Troy Smith and Teddy Ginn both derive their strength from a potion that is a mix of babies’ blood and wine. It can only be found in Calcutta, India. It is said to have a dual purpose which far exceeds the results commonly found in Viagra.
  
• Ohio Stadium is bathed in perpetual light descended from on high by Jesus and a High Powered government satellite, both to protect the integrity and purity of America.
  
• Prior to the Michigan-tOSU game, Coach Tressel received numerous death threats from godless Michigan alumni. The tOSU athletic department wanted the Coach to wear a bulletproof sweater vest. Instead he wore a bullet-attracting sweater vest. He was hit 50 times, and was heard to exclaim after each hit: "It tastes like chicken!"
  
• Watching a Buckeye game with intentions other than rooting for a tOSU win will cause serious back acne.
  
• The weight of gravity is heavier in Columbus due to an unexplained metaphysical force which ancient Mayans referred to as "teotanachawa" or "act of God". This phenomenon allows tOSU football players to develop unnatural speed and renders visiting players sluggish. When traveling to other geographic locations to play, tOSU players are fleeter of foot and stronger.
  
• When a tOSU alum dies and is buried, a sapling Buckeye tree immediately springs forth from their heart. It is said that if you eat a Buckeye nut you will gain the sum all knowledge, right before you die of toxic shock.
  
• Coach Tressel doesn't use game film. He beams images from opponents’ games directly into the frontal lobes of his players.
  
• tOSU players have super-enhanced metabolisms. In order to replace the stupendous amounts of energy they expend, the most brilliant bio-researchers in the world created mega-corn. This nutrient-packed superfood is the only foodstuff with enough stored energy to power a tOSU player.
  
• tOSU players defy Einstein's theory of relativity and Newton's conservation of energy. As the velocity of a tOSU player increases, his body mass increases as well. However, contrary to the laws of physics it requires decreasingly less energy to accelerate the increasing density of his body structure. Therefore there is no limit to the velocity of a tOSU player. They are merely asked to withhold this ability so their fans can see them on the field.
  
• The Beatles originally wanted to call the White Album the Scarlet and Grey Album, but Woody Hayes resoundingly disapproved. As a punishment for their act of hubris, Woody burned the Fab Four's cars. That is why they were reduced to mere pedestrians on the "Abbey Road" album cover.
  
• The name 'Buckeye' is God's nickname for the race of super beings that He put on earth before time existed.
  
• The night before Jim Tressel accepted the job at tOSU, a golden outline of his visage was left on his bedsheet. Legend has it that it was immediately transferred to The Vatican for unveiling on the eve of the Second Coming, or tOSU's second national championship, whichever comes first.
  
• The Easter Bunny saves only the choicest eggs for tOSU’s easter egg hunt. Every time someone finds an egg on tOSU campus, butterflies explode from the shell and the haunting tones of the Bee Gees can be heard for miles around.
  
• After they obliterate the University of Florida by 85 points in January, the NFL will be replacing the Houston Texans with the tOSU Buckeyes.
  
• One tOSU cheerleader could block the Gators’ entire defense. It is a near certainty at least 3 Gator D-linemen will be killed by the tOSU center. In fact, the term 'offensive line' is offensive to tOSU fans when speaking of them. We should just call them the 'Serendipitous Line'.
  
• tOSU is so good that when they take the field, the turf turns to glass and all the saints hurl their crowns at Troy Smith's feet.
  
• When a football is thrown by Troy Smith, the resulting pressure wave knocks defenders off their feet.
  
• The buckeye is not the real name of tOSU's mascot or its real appearance. It is simply the closest approximation that mortals can understand and gaze upon. Those who understand the ancient Hebrew concept of Yahweh (the name of one who's name is too awesome to be spoken); would understand the rationale behind this.
  
• If you want to become a Buckeye fan (see "the anointed ones") you may take the test of faith and gaze upon the true mascot and speak its name but once. Those who have gazed upon a Buckeye's true visage and spoken his name and have been found lacking... well, let's just say the Nazis in “Raiders of the Lost Ark” who looked into the True Ark of the Covenant got off easy.
  
• Troy Smith once threw a football so hard that it traveled back in time and hit Paul Warfield in the hands for a touchdown.
  
• In an incredible display of humility at the game to honor tOSU's long and hallowed traditions, the UF Pride of the Sunshine Marching Band will let a tOSU sousaphone player to dot the 'i' in ‘Florida.’
  
• There were reports around Boston last August that tOSU scrimmaged against the New England Patriots, and the Patriots actually got in field-goal range once. Of course, the kick was blocked and returned for a tOSU TD, but still …
  
• The charter plane that the tOSU team was on during its trip to Chicago to play Northwestern encountered a freak wndshear and both wings were ripped off. Tressel, sensing disaster, kicked out a window and began constructing two new wings out of the super-powerful bodies of his players joined hand to hand. Not only did the plane land, it set a new airspeed record. In fact, the plane went so fast that it overshot Chicago and ended up in Milwaukee.
  
• When addressing a fan of tOSU, the proper etiquette is to place your body flat on the ground with neck up, eyes closed and tongue extended. The fan will gently scrape the sole of their shoe along your tongue. This is known as the 'casual' greeting. The more formalized greeting involves pliers, a tube of toothpaste, 3 rats and a Wham! album.
  
• Tennessee was found to have worn illegal cleats in a game with tOSU. Every surviving player on that Vol team to this day suffers debilitating menstrual cramps. What does that have to do with illegal cleats and tOSU? Nothing; the Vols just have menstrual cramps.
  
• Date and time don't matter to Jim Tressel. He exists outside of reality as we know it.
  
• At a recent tOSU pep rally for senior citizens living in the greater Columbus area, Troy Smith was the featured speaker. At one point during the speech, Troy got dust in his right eye and winked. As a result, every woman in the audience was impregnated. One woman, who was 95 years old, had triplets.
  
• Troy Smith does not "call" plays in the huddle. tOSU football players have developed telepathic powers that allow them to read Troy's mind.
  
• All schools of advanced kung fu are descended from one particular warm up drill used to condition the freshman players at tOSU.
  
• Ohio was the state who gave the world the hot dog back in 1900. It was invented by necessity by Harry M Stevens in order to dispose of the remains of tOSU rivals.